Enhancing Sexual Desire in Women Series

Part 3 - Intimacy

In this final part of this series on Sexual Desire in Women, I’m going to touch on…Intimacy

So, what is this thing called Intimacy?
Most people will answer this question by referring to some form of sexual contact…
But…intimacy is not just about sex;   in fact, intimacy may never involve sexual contact.

​Intimacy refers to the depth of connection we have with another person, or perhaps with our self. Intimacy refers to the ‘giving’… to both our self, and another.

The origin of the word intimacy, is the Latin intimus, which can be translated to ‘inner-most’… that which is most deeply held. Intimacy is about revealing a part of yourself to another, that very few would get to see. But intimacy is also about revealing something of yourself…to yourself!
 
We’ve all heard the phrase ‘a fear of intimacy’… this usually refers to those who have a fear of being close to another, because they are unable to allow themselves to be open, to be vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable is an essential aspect of being intimate…an essential aspect of
fully loving yourself and fully loving another.
One of the most important factors for the development of intimacy, is Trust. There must be trust in the relationship to allow each partner to open up to the other. But, perhaps more important is that we have to have trust in ourselves…before we can see the trust in another.


If you have experienced trauma in your life, it’s possible that you will have difficulty trusting yourself…and another…leading to reduced intimacy with yourself, and your partner.
 
 
In his wonderful book, How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration, David Richo suggests a number of Elements of intimacy:
 

• Sharing fears with another about practicing intimacy.
• Ability and willingness to give and receive. Richo refers to this as: “I get past my fears long enough to disclose my feelings and receive yours, to show affection, both sexually and non-sexually and to receive yours”. 
• Expressing genuine negative emotions as well as positive ones; this means not just being physically naked but emotionally naked.
• Respect: for yourself and your own boundaries and responsibilities; and respect for your partner if you are in a relationship, and the boundaries and ‘ground rules’ that you both have set regarding lifestyles, responsibilities, sex and time and space needs
• Maintain commitment to yourself, and to your relationship; this is especially so during those times when your needs will not be met. Remember, that if you’re with another, this isn’t just about having your own needs fulfilled…it’s about valuing yourself for your inherent worth, and valuing your partner for her/his inherent worth.

Final Words:
 
Regardless of your sexual orientation, or whether you are in a relationship or not, being curious about creating an intimate bond with yourself or with another, both physically and emotionally will enhance your overall confidence.
 
This will then help you to be more open to address any sexual or intimacy issues or concerns you might be experiencing in life.
 
An awareness of your sexual story, understanding how your body functions and what impacts on your sexuality and sexual desire, can make you more comfortable to talk about what is happening for you.
 
But sometimes you may need support to enhance your sexual well-being: speaking to a counsellor experienced in the area of sexual wellness can be of help. Contact me if this is something that I can assist you with.
 
Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Therapist

DOWNLOAD PDF