In this final part of this series on Sexual Desire in Women, I’m going to touch on…Intimacy

So, what is this thing called Intimacy?
Most people will answer this question by referring to some form of sexual contact…
But…intimacy is not just about sex;   in fact, intimacy may never involve sexual contact.

​Intimacy refers to the depth of connection we have with another person, or perhaps with our self. Intimacy refers to the ‘giving’… to both our self, and another.

In my last Newsletter, I touched on a number of different issues that women might experience concerning their sexual desire.

This newsletter offers you some more information and first steps to take to help along the path of strengthening your sexual self- esteem, and enhancing your sexuality.

If you want to enhance your intimacy in your relationship and the relationship is fundamentally stable, communicating about sex and strengthening this important and vital aspect
of your relationship is essential.

Do you have a low sexual desire? Or perhaps difficulty with orgasm?
If you do, you’re not alone.

Our television soapies and glamourous Hollywood movies might like us to believe that sexual desire and orgasm are as easy and quick as looking into the eyes of that sexy man or woman…

… but while this certainly might help, the reality is that sexual issues such as low libido and difficulty to orgasm are very common in our society.

 In part one of this Newsletter, I spoke about the importance of discussing sexual concerns after breast cancer, and gave an overview of some of these issues.

I want to continue this discussion in Part Two by acknowledging that if you have breast cancer and you are reading this, it  is significant in that you are taking personal responsibility and accepting a unique opportunity in working towards making ‘intelligent sexual and relationship decisions’.

Remember that positive motivation and understanding, promote wise choices…

Guilt, shame and anxiety about yourself or your past will act like an anchor in your life and weigh you down, and hold you back...they may lower your self-esteem, and negatively affect your relationship and sexuality.
 
I have had the pleasure of working with some amazingly courageous women who are managing their loss of ‘sexualness’ in relation to their own femininity, body image and sexual partner.

In Part One of ‘Talking about Sex’, I spoke of sex as the ‘elephant in the room’ that is often never spoken about…

In this newsletter, I want to talk to Health professionals…about Talking about Sex…!

If you’re not a Health Professional, no problem – you will learn much about what to look for and ask of your Health Professional concerning sex and sexuality issues.

Sex should be a ‘normal’ enjoyable part of the life of most healthy adults, unless they choose otherwise.  Talking about sex, really talking about sex, can help produce better outcomes for clients/patients, and yes, sometimes for us as health care professionals in our own lives!

Sex is the part of our personal life that most of us may prefer to keep private and not talk about it - yet talking about sexuality with our patients in the right context can be both liberating and therapeutic.

So first...Make a Decision

As a Health Professional, it's highly likely that you will have some clients/patients who present with sexuality issues – they may not discuss them with you though, depending on their level of dis/comfort, and of course, their perception of your level of comfort with the issue. 

Remember, much of their dis/comfort will hinge upon your own level of dis/comfort.

So, first, make a decision if you will speak to your clients/patients about sex. 

If you choose not to do this for whatever reason, and you have any reason to think that sexuality issues might be present, refer to a specialist Sexologist.   At inSync For Life, we have a highly experienced Clinical Sexologist / Counsellor who speaks easily about all matter of sexual issues and who creates a comfortable and safe environment for clients to do the same.

Second...Listen Actively

If you decide to discuss sexual and sexuality issues with your clients or patients, it's important to be truly present to hear their concerns about sex. With such a sensitive issue, it is vital that the person 'feels heard'.

Too often, Health Professionals fear the proverbial opening of ‘Pandora’s Box’ - if we start talking about sex...where might it lead...I might be in over my head!
But try to think of it as you might other presenting problems...ask yourself:
Is there something I can do right now?  Or do I need to refer on?

With many or most sexual issues, it's unlikely that you will be able to address them there and then.   Instead, it’s about supporting the individual and acknowledging her or his concerns to let them know that they are being heard.  Just being heard and acknowledged, is usually of enormous relief to the person.   

Third...Refer on and Be Current

The next step is to consider what you can do to support the person to address the presenting problems.   Remembers, for sexual issues...it's not about being the 'sexpert'. 

Instead, and depending on the complexity of the issue, it is quite often a multidisciplinary approach to treatment. Issues such as dyspareunia, vaginismus, vulvodynia, and menopausal and peri-menopausal issues are likely to require the input of a medical practitioner, Clinical Sexologist, specialist physiotherapist and others.

It almost goes without saying that to provide optimum service, we all need to be current with basic knowledge about sexual health and medicine. 

Know what recourses and referral networks are available to you and your clients/patients, in both the public and private health systems. 

Fourth...Be Self-Aware

Of much importance though, is to have an awareness of your own sexuality and how you feel about sex.  Some questions you might consider asking yourself in the privacy of your own mind:

• How do I feel about my own sexuality?
• How might this influence my ability to listen fully to the sexual issues of others? 
• How might it influence the quality of my conversations about sex with the people clients/patients I work with? 
• Do I look forward to engaging in such conversations, or do I tend to avoid these conversations.

Some final points to consider:

• Sexuality or sex is not just focusing on sexual function but also on the quality of life: for example, sexual pain can result in a significant diminished quality of life.    
  
• Always remember that human sexual behaviour is amazingly diverse: except in obvious situations, limit judgements of ‘right and wrong’ and ‘good or bad’.            
  
• Remind yourself that people with chronic medical conditions, surgical or post-surgical conditions, physical or intellectual disabilities, and mental health problems all remain sexual beings and have sexual needs.                                    
• And always remember that everyone has the same basic rights to achieve sexual pleasure and sexual fulfilment as much as is practicable

As  a Health Professional, I believe that  we all have a duty of care to check with our client/patient to ask how she or he might be feeling about their sexuality or about their sexual intimacy, whether single, in a heterosexual relationship, gay, lesbian or transgender. 

This will not only help planning for their overall health, but also let the individual know that their sexuality is important and that we, as their Health Professional, value and ‘see’ all of them 

                                               the Elephant in the Room

 Let’s face it, talking about sex, and I mean really, seriously, talking about sex,  is difficult! 

Most people rarely have the benefit of a serious discussion with health professionals about sex or their sexuality and intimacy.  If you have a health professional who does this, that’s great – but really talking and communicating in depth, is the exception rather than the rule.

There are many reasons why health professionals may not talk about sex with you, or do so quickly and often with a strong medical focus:  

• first, they are often very busy and simply do not have the time to devote to this issue
• second, ‘sex’, believe it or not,  is a complex life skill.  It requires considerable understanding, knowledge and self-awareness
• third,  it’s just downright embarrassing for most people to talk seriously about sex!  Most people seem to be interested in the topic of sex, sexuality and sexual issues, but talking about sex for most of us, is just embarrassing.

At inSync for Life, we provide a confidential, safe and secure environment to support you to discuss openly the subject of sex and issues of sexuality and intimacy in your life. 

I’ve found that when individuals and couples have this permission and opportunity, they experience a profound sense of relief and finally being able to speak about difficulties they have had for many years.

As a Sexologist, I am frequently told this and thanked for validating their concerns and providing a safe non-judgement, confidential environment to talk. 

                        Let’s bring the elephant out to play!….Let’s talk about sex!