Contempt: The Silent Killer of Love part two: How to Manage it

see here for Part one of Contempt: The Silent Killer of Love

If you are the person showing contempt, how can you manage it better!

You may not even recognise that you are being contemptuous.  You may even convince yourself that you’re ‘just being honest’, or that you are justified in your frustration.

This makes it hard to recognise when it’s harming your relationship.

The first step forward in this regard, is to, almost in contradiction, ‘take a step back’!

Make an effort to view your actions, comments, and behaviours objectively - through the lens of another perspective!
When you recognise contempt in your behaviour, it’s important to take responsibility and work toward change.

Here are some steps to help:

• Increase Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your words, tone, and nonverbal actions during disagreements. Journaling or reflecting after conflicts can help identify patterns of contempt.
• Understand the Root Causes: Contempt often arises from unresolved anger, negativity, or frustration. Reflect on the underlying issues you may be holding onto that could be fuelling your behaviour. Identify these unresolved feelings and address them directly to break the cycle of contempt.
  

• Practice Gratitude: Shift your mindset by focusing on your partner’s positive qualities and actively expressing appreciation for their contributions, no matter how small. Go beyond just verbal expressions of gratitude; find meaningful ways to demonstrate your appreciation through actions that reflect respect and care.
• Use “I” Statements: Replace blame with personal responsibility. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so inconsiderate,” say, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard.”
• Seek Professional Support: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and address the dynamics behind contemptuous behaviour.
  

Facing Contempt: How to Protect Yourself and Respond Effectively

• Don’t Internalise It: Remind yourself that contempt is a reflection of the other person’s issues, not your worth. Practice self-compassion and find ways to affirm your value outside the relationship.
• Communicate Assertively: Address contemptuous behaviours directly but calmly. For instance, “I feel hurt when you dismiss my feelings. Can we talk about this in a different way?”
• Set Boundaries: If contempt persists, establish clear boundaries around acceptable behaviour and communicate these firmly.
  

• Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your mental and emotional health, such as spending time with supportive friends, practising mindfulness, or pursuing hobbies.
• Consider Counselling: Professional support can help you and your partner work through patterns of contempt and develop healthier communication habits.
  

Building a Healthier Future Together

Contempt can feel like a relational death sentence.

But with awareness, commitment, and the right support, couples can rebuild respect and connection.

Recognising and addressing contempt - whether you are showing it or receiving it - requires courage and effort but is vital for fostering a healthy, thriving relationship.

By learning to communicate with empathy and actively display appreciation, couples can move from a space of hostility to one of mutual respect and understanding, strengthening their bond for the future.