Choosing your partner daily

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Why "I Don't Feel Like It" may not be a Valid Excuse in Intimate Relationships

In the realm of intimate relationships, the phrase “I don’t feel like it” often surfaces as a reason for avoiding certain actions or responsibilities. While it's natural to experience fluctuations in motivation, consistently relying on this sentiment can undermine the foundation of a healthy partnership.

It’s vital to remember that relationships thrive on mutual commitment and effort, and understanding the dynamics of these elements is crucial for sustaining a fulfilling connection.

The Importance of Commitment and Effort

Relationships are sustained not merely by fleeting emotions but by deliberate choices and sustained efforts.

Let me repeat that…

Relationships are sustained not merely by fleeting emotions but by deliberate choices and sustained efforts. 

Love may be a feeling but the expression of love is a choice.

Psychological theories, such as Rusbult's Investment Model*, emphasise that satisfaction, investment, and commitment are essential in maintaining relationships. This model suggests that individuals remain in relationships when they perceive high satisfaction, significant investment, and limited attractive alternatives.

Therefore, even when you don’t "feel like" engaging in certain activities, the commitment to the relationship can motivate action.

Choosing to act in the interest of the relationship, even when personal motivation is lacking, reinforces the bond between partners and strengthens the relationship. It's about recognising that love is not just a feeling but also a series of actions and decisions that prioritise the well-being of both individuals and the relationship.

By consistently investing time, energy, and care, partners demonstrate their dedication, which in turn nurtures a deeper sense of trust and security within the relationship.

• https://www.tutor2u.net/psychology/reference/relationships-investment-model
  

Real-Life Examples

Consider a scenario where one partner consistently declines to participate in household chores, citing “I’m tired. I don’t feel like it”. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment and imbalance. Research indicates that perceived inequity in relationships can result in dissatisfaction and conflict. Engaging in tasks, even when not inclined, demonstrates respect and consideration for the partner's efforts, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support.

Another example pertains to sexual desire. It's common for individuals to experience fluctuations in libido. However, consistently dismissing a partner's advances with "I don't feel like it" can lead to feelings of rejection and emotional distance. Addressing these moments with empathy and discussing underlying factors can help partners manage intimacy challenges together, reinforcing their bond and strengthens the relationship.

Approaching such situations with an open heart involves offering affection and connection without reservation or expectation, even when immediate desire isn't present. This kind of wholehearted giving fosters emotional safety and deepens intimacy, as it demonstrates a willingness to prioritise the relationship's well-being over transient personal feelings.

As highlighted by renowned Sexologist and author, Rosie King, opening your heart to your partner encourages intentional and compassionate engagement in intimate relationships. Her work encourages partners to prioritise connection and mutual satisfaction, even when immediate desire isn't present, fostering deeper emotional bonds and trust

Building Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is cultivated through consistent actions that convey care and commitment.

Choosing to engage in activities that benefit the relationship, despite personal reluctance ("I don't feel like it"), reinforces trust and connection. This is consistent with the principles of emotional validation, where acknowledging and supporting a partner's needs strengthens the relational bond.

It's essential to recognise that emotional intimacy doesn't always stem from grand gestures but often from everyday choices. Opting to have a meaningful conversation after a long day – and really listen to your partner (put down your mobile!), offering a comforting touch – simply because you know that’s what your partner likes, or just being present cuddling on the couch. These are just simple, basic ways that can bridge emotional gaps.

Consistently prioritising your relationship, even when it's challenging, demonstrates a commitment to nurturing the emotional connection with your partner and relationship.

Final Thoughts…or just the beginning?

While it's essential to honour your personal feelings and boundaries, consistently giving them priority over the needs of the relationship can be detrimental.

Embracing responsibilities and actions, even when they seem at odds with your immediate desires, is a testament to your commitment and love.

When you do this, you build a resilient and fulfilling relationship based in mutual respect and effort.