Understanding the Shift

Relationships are not static – they don’t stay the same!
Over time, couples encounter change - in circumstances, needs, priorities, and personal growth. These shifts can bring uncertainty, discomfort, or even a sense of loss. However, they also offer the potential for deeper connection and transformation.

The Problem: Should I Accept or Seek Change?

A common question in relationships is whether to accept a partner as they are or to encourage change. This is not always easy to answer. Acceptance may feel like giving up, while seeking change can feel like control. Finding the balance requires thoughtful reflection.

Why It Feels So Hard

Emotional bonds come with expectations. When change occurs, it can feel like the foundation of the relationship is shifting. This can evoke fear, disappointment, or grief. Recognising and expressing these emotions is an important step.

Stage 1: Recognise the Change
Start by identifying what has changed:

• Is it roles, intimacy, communication, or life direction?
• Are both partners aware and able to talk about it?

Stage 2: Accept the Reality
Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement or passivity. It means seeing things clearly without denial. Often, what we resist points to unmet emotional needs or unresolved fears.
Stage 3: Choose How to Respond
Once change is acknowledged and accepted, couples can decide:

• Do we adapt and grow together?
• Or do we part ways with clarity and care?

Moving Forward with Intention

Practical Questions for Couples

• What feels uncertain or uncomfortable?
• Are we managing emotions in healthy ways?
• Are our needs being voiced and heard?
• Are we using conflict to grow or to blame?

Support Through Therapy
Many couples benefit from therapy which can support with acceptance balanced with planned behaviour change. It helps partners understand differences and work together meaningfully.
Acceptance Is Not Indifference
True acceptance involves emotional engagement. It’s not about tolerating harmful patterns but about understanding and consciously choosing how to respond.

The Path Forward
Healthy relationships thrive when partners:

• Understand each other's perspectives
• Accept emotional truths
• Make intentional choices together

Decide, Don’t Drift
                               Phase                                                              Reflection Question 
                        Recognition                                                    What is changing? How do we both feel?
                        Acceptance                                                    Can I acknowledge this reality without blame?
                       Adaptation                                                       Are we willing and able to move forward together?

A Final Thought
Relationships are a journey. Managing change with honesty and care fosters resilience and intimacy.
Whether your path leads to renewed connection or respectful separation, what matters is that the choice is made thoughtfully, not passively.

If you're at a crossroads in your relationship, therapy can offer a safe space to explore, understand, and decide.

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Why "I Don't Feel Like It" may not be a Valid Excuse in Intimate Relationships

In the realm of intimate relationships, the phrase “I don’t feel like it” often surfaces as a reason for avoiding certain actions or responsibilities. While it's natural to experience fluctuations in motivation, consistently relying on this sentiment can undermine the foundation of a healthy partnership.

It’s vital to remember that relationships thrive on mutual commitment and effort, and understanding the dynamics of these elements is crucial for sustaining a fulfilling connection.

The Importance of Commitment and Effort

Relationships are sustained not merely by fleeting emotions but by deliberate choices and sustained efforts.

Let me repeat that…

Relationships are sustained not merely by fleeting emotions but by deliberate choices and sustained efforts. 

Psychological theories, such as Rusbult's Investment Model*, emphasise that satisfaction, investment, and commitment are essential in maintaining relationships. This model suggests that individuals remain in relationships when they perceive high satisfaction, significant investment, and limited attractive alternatives.

Therefore, even when you don’t "feel like" engaging in certain activities, the commitment to the relationship can motivate action.

Choosing to act in the interest of the relationship, even when personal motivation is lacking, reinforces the bond between partners and strengthens the relationship. It's about recognising that love is not just a feeling but also a series of actions and decisions that prioritise the well-being of both individuals and the relationship.

By consistently investing time, energy, and care, partners demonstrate their dedication, which in turn nurtures a deeper sense of trust and security within the relationship.

• https://www.tutor2u.net/psychology/reference/relationships-investment-model
  

Real-Life Examples

Consider a scenario where one partner consistently declines to participate in household chores, citing “I’m tired. I don’t feel like it”. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment and imbalance. Research indicates that perceived inequity in relationships can result in dissatisfaction and conflict. Engaging in tasks, even when not inclined, demonstrates respect and consideration for the partner's efforts, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support.

Another example pertains to sexual desire. It's common for individuals to experience fluctuations in libido. However, consistently dismissing a partner's advances with "I don't feel like it" can lead to feelings of rejection and emotional distance. Addressing these moments with empathy and discussing underlying factors can help partners manage intimacy challenges together, reinforcing their bond and strengthens the relationship.

Approaching such situations with an open heart involves offering affection and connection without reservation or expectation, even when immediate desire isn't present. This kind of wholehearted giving fosters emotional safety and deepens intimacy, as it demonstrates a willingness to prioritise the relationship's well-being over transient personal feelings.

As highlighted by renowned Sexologist and author, Rosie King, opening your heart to your partner encourages intentional and compassionate engagement in intimate relationships. Her work encourages partners to prioritise connection and mutual satisfaction, even when immediate desire isn't present, fostering deeper emotional bonds and trust

Building Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is cultivated through consistent actions that convey care and commitment.

Choosing to engage in activities that benefit the relationship, despite personal reluctance ("I don't feel like it"), reinforces trust and connection. This is consistent with the principles of emotional validation, where acknowledging and supporting a partner's needs strengthens the relational bond.

It's essential to recognise that emotional intimacy doesn't always stem from grand gestures but often from everyday choices. Opting to have a meaningful conversation after a long day – and really listen to your partner (put down your mobile!), offering a comforting touch – simply because you know that’s what your partner likes, or just being present cuddling on the couch. These are just simple, basic ways that can bridge emotional gaps.

Consistently prioritising your relationship, even when it's challenging, demonstrates a commitment to nurturing the emotional connection with your partner and relationship.

Final Thoughts…or just the beginning?

While it's essential to honour your personal feelings and boundaries, consistently giving them priority over the needs of the relationship can be detrimental.

Embracing responsibilities and actions, even when they seem at odds with your immediate desires, is a testament to your commitment and love.

When you do this, you build a resilient and fulfilling relationship based in mutual respect and effort.

This guiding principle highlights the significance of adhering to your core beliefs and principles, especially during challenging periods. Personal values act as a compass, providing direction and stability when you are faced with difficult decisions or circumstances.

Remaining strong in your ethical and moral standards, regardless of external pressures, highlights the importance of integrity. Ensuring your actions are consistent with deeply held convictions, provides you with strength and clarity, aiding in managing life's complexities.

In essence, maintaining your values is not only about personal integrity but also about practical guidance. Cultivating and relying on your values serves as a source of strength and direction, ensuring decisions reflect your true self, particularly in challenging times.

Your Mindset Shapes Your Reality: Choose Positivity
Choosing positivity involves intentionally directing your mindset, your thinking, toward hope, resilience, and constructive action, even when faced with adversity. It's not about forcing happiness or ignoring pain; rather, it's about acknowledging your emotions, processing them, and then gently guiding yourself back to a place of possibility and strength. This approach, often referred to as ‘realistic optimism’, balances a hopeful outlook with an honest assessment of difficulties, empowering you to tackle difficulties head-on while maintaining hope

It's important to recognise that trying to be positive all the time can be counterproductive. Suppressing or denying difficult emotions in favour of constant cheerfulness is a phenomenon known as toxic positivity. This can invalidate your experiences and hinder emotional growth. True emotional well-being comes from allowing yourself to feel the full range of human emotions, including sadness, anger, and fear, and then choosing to move forward with hope and intention.

By embracing a balanced approach to positivity, you can cultivate resilience and navigate life's challenges more effectively. This means being honest about your feelings, seeking support when needed, and focusing on solutions and opportunities for growth. In doing so, you empower yourself to face adversity with strength and optimism, without losing sight of reality