Talking openly and honestly about feelings is vital in any relationship but is essential when multiple partners are involved. This creates a heightened sense of trust and intimacy.

People in CNM relationships often practice something called 'compersion', which is basically the warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you see your partner enjoying themselves with someone else.

Yes, it’s the opposite of jealousy, and it’s more common than you’d think in CNM relationships. This open emotional maturity not only strengthens bonds but also contributes to greater overall well-being.

Keeping Calm While Loving More:
Mental Health Perks and Coping in Consensual Non-Monogamy 🛠️✨

 
Forget the stereotype that non-monogamous people must be emotionally unstable.  Studies show that CNM individuals often report mental health outcomes that are on par with, or even better than, their monogamous peers.

Why? honesty. With no secrets to keep, there’s less risk of emotional landmines like infidelity or betrayal. Plus, when conflicts do arise, there’s a clear playbook: frequent communication, setting boundaries, and openly discussing insecurities or jealousy.

Interestingly, CNM participants are more likely to process and handle negative emotions with grace. Rather than stuffing feelings of jealousy into a dark corner, they address them head-on—sometimes even re-framing jealousy into something positive.  It’s all about turning those pangs of insecurity into opportunities for personal growth, which is good for both your heart and mind.

For all you psychology buffs, here’s where it gets even more interesting... Attachment styles - those patterns we develop as children of how we form bonds - play a significant role in how people experience CNM.

Those with a 'Secure attachment' (people who are comfortable with intimacy and independence) often thrive in CNM relationships. But what about us folks with more Anxious or Avoidant attachment styles? Surprisingly, even those who prefer keeping their emotional distance (hello, avoidant types) may find CNM appealing due to the sense of independence it offers.

And research suggests that CNM participants tend to have lower levels of avoidant attachment compared to monogamous folks, hinting that these relationships can foster emotional security.

Okay, we know what you’re thinking: what about the sex?  Research shows that people in CNM relationships often report higher levels of sexual satisfaction.

Why you might ask?
Well, for starters, they can explore a broader range of sexual desires without worrying about breaking the monogamy rulebook.  But this doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all.

Just like the emotional aspect of CNM, communication plays a big role. The most satisfied CNM partners are the ones who discuss their sexual needs openly and work to meet each other’s desires.

Luckily, the CNM community has found ways to support each other, creating a social network that helps mitigate the negative impact of societal judgment.  Support groups, online communities, and poly-friendly dating apps provide a space where people can meet, learn, and connect without judgment

No matter how well you’re managing your relationships, CNM isn’t always easy when it comes to the legal side of things.
The law still largely caters to monogamous couples, which means issues like inheritance, child custody, and property rights can get messy for those in CNM.

While no one’s throwing CNM folks in jail for having multiple partners (phew), they may find themselves navigating some awkward legal grey areas—particularly if the relationship is not legally recognised.

And let’s not forget healthcare. Many CNM individuals report that healthcare providers often misunderstand their relationships or even pathologise them. Training medical professionals to better understand sexual and relationship diversity could go a long way toward more inclusive care.

Consensual Non-Monogamy is certainly not for everyone!  But, it offers a fresh perspective on love, intimacy, and connection for many.   Far from being chaotic or emotionally taxing, CNM relationships often foster deep emotional satisfaction, mental well-being, and personal growth.

Sure, they’re not without challenges (thank you social stigma and legal hurdles!), but for those who embrace this relationship style, the rewards can be great.  Whether it’s building stronger bonds through communication, enjoying a more diverse sexual life, or creating a unique family dynamic, CNM proves that love comes in many forms—and sometimes, it’s worth sharing.

With so many different perspectives out there, it can be tricky for you to figure out you own personal values when it comes to your sexual identity. But it’s really important to develop a clear, personal understanding of your own sexual beliefs. This helps you feel more empowered and satisfied because your decisions will align with your own desires and needs.

A good first step in building your personal set of beliefs is to reflect inwardly. Recognising that sexuality is a natural part of being human – and nothing to be ashamed of – is key. Whether you choose to express your sexuality or not, it’s still important to own it. Take celibacy, for example. Some people choose to remain celibate but still acknowledge their sexual energy, which they can channel into other areas of their lives.  While most intimate relationships have both emotional and sexual aspects, some couples choose to remain ‘asexual’ and experience little or no sexual attraction but still engage in romantic relationships without the expectation or desire for sexual interaction​. These relationships are often built on other forms of intimacy and connection, demonstrating that sexual activity is not essential for relationship satisfaction for all couples.

Remember, as adults, we get to decide which of those ideas we want to hold onto and which ones to let go of.  This can be a difficult concept to adopt because often we will want to ‘blame’ others for how we are.  But ultimately, it is up to each of us, as adults, whether we choose to continue to hold onto our old beliefs or adopt new, healthy ideas and beliefs that are more conducive to our sexual well-being.

And third, it’s also important to listen to your body to help strengthen our sexual health and well-being. Our physical and emotional responses often give us clues about what feels right or wrong, even before we’ve fully put it into words. If something doesn’t feel right, then listen to this.  Remember though, that this might also be an indicator of past hurt or emotional distress that you’re hanging on to.  If in doubt, listen, acknowledge and respect these feelings but then find a friendly supportive counsellor to explore this issue further. 

Socialism and Communism… Isn’t it interesting that these have become ‘unfashionable’, both socially and historically, in Western civilisation?
 
They got a bad name… for good and bad reasons that are complex and, viewed through the lens of contemporary media cycles, including ‘fake news’… understandable.
 
Similarly, Feminism has experienced a wave of serious backlashes, much of it from younger generations of women who see Feminism as dated, reactionary and out of touch with their lived lives.
 
But as a male Feminist, I uphold my right to support and speak for Feminism, be it through a male gaze with older eyes.

Everyone and everything has a history…

To understand the present, we can gain a lot from looking at our past:

Believe it or not, the recognition of International Women’s Day (IWD) partly grew out of the Russian Revolution when in March 1917 Russian women gained suffrage and declared this day as a national holiday. It was mainly celebrated in socialist and communist countries until the one day of the year to internationally celebrate women was ratified by the United Nations in 1975.

History lesson over!
 
It’s convenient…but risky… to bundle up contemporary social movements like Metoo, Feminism, Trade Unionism, LGBTIQ , Positive Action and Equal Gender Ratios, under a general banner. Nevertheless, we are now in a volatile moment in which interventionist/disruptive thinking has at last been recognised and for the most part, accepted.

What I mean is that such occurrences have always been operating, but dominant teachings have generally incorporated them and/or crushed them. In the rise and rise of IWD the cause and its effects are mutually and positively coercive in bringing awareness to all aspects of our lived lives. As a consequence, the social movements mentioned above are both the result of, and initiators of, positive change in societies.

I see and celebrate the recognition of a sparkling collective/community event like International Women’s Day as being communally powerful and empowering, harking back to its social movement origins.

When one part of a culture progresses it brings along all parts of that culture with it, be they kicking and screaming right wing proponents or just ultra conservative establishment organisations.

We are seeing the benefits of old collective ideas in action through IWD!

One example that I’m aware of is that women of broad socio-economic and cultural identities are gathering together in cities and regions to do arts practice and projects on Friday 8 March.

They are absolutely representative of 51% of the population, and they are re-enacting ancient and modern feminine cultural practices of collective art practices which enliven social movements and the individual lives of women and their families and communities.

We are ultimately all here together and responsible for each other.
Let’s celebrate IWD and the women in all the parts and roles in our lives!

Joshua Ledger
Counsellor

In this final part of this series on Sexual Desire in Women, I’m going to touch on…Intimacy

So, what is this thing called Intimacy?
Most people will answer this question by referring to some form of sexual contact…
But…intimacy is not just about sex;   in fact, intimacy may never involve sexual contact.

​Intimacy refers to the depth of connection we have with another person, or perhaps with our self. Intimacy refers to the ‘giving’… to both our self, and another.

The origin of the word intimacy, is the Latin intimus, which can be translated to ‘inner-most’… that which is most deeply held. Intimacy is about revealing a part of yourself to another, that very few would get to see. But intimacy is also about revealing something of yourself…to yourself!
 
We’ve all heard the phrase ‘a fear of intimacy’… this usually refers to those who have a fear of being close to another, because they are unable to allow themselves to be open, to be vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable is an essential aspect of being intimate…an essential aspect of
fully loving yourself and fully loving another.
One of the most important factors for the development of intimacy, is Trust. There must be trust in the relationship to allow each partner to open up to the other. But, perhaps more important is that we have to have trust in ourselves…before we can see the trust in another.


If you have experienced trauma in your life, it’s possible that you will have difficulty trusting yourself…and another…leading to reduced intimacy with yourself, and your partner.
 
 
In his wonderful book, How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration, David Richo suggests a number of Elements of intimacy:
 

• Sharing fears with another about practicing intimacy.
• Ability and willingness to give and receive. Richo refers to this as: “I get past my fears long enough to disclose my feelings and receive yours, to show affection, both sexually and non-sexually and to receive yours”. 
• Expressing genuine negative emotions as well as positive ones; this means not just being physically naked but emotionally naked.
• Respect: for yourself and your own boundaries and responsibilities; and respect for your partner if you are in a relationship, and the boundaries and ‘ground rules’ that you both have set regarding lifestyles, responsibilities, sex and time and space needs
• Maintain commitment to yourself, and to your relationship; this is especially so during those times when your needs will not be met. Remember, that if you’re with another, this isn’t just about having your own needs fulfilled…it’s about valuing yourself for your inherent worth, and valuing your partner for her/his inherent worth.

Final Words:
 
Regardless of your sexual orientation, or whether you are in a relationship or not, being curious about creating an intimate bond with yourself or with another, both physically and emotionally will enhance your overall confidence.
 
This will then help you to be more open to address any sexual or intimacy issues or concerns you might be experiencing in life.
 
An awareness of your sexual story, understanding how your body functions and what impacts on your sexuality and sexual desire, can make you more comfortable to talk about what is happening for you.
 
But sometimes you may need support to enhance your sexual well-being: speaking to a counsellor experienced in the area of sexual wellness can be of help. Contact me if this is something that I can assist you with.
 
Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Therapist

In my last Newsletter, I touched on a number of different issues that women might experience concerning their sexual desire.

This newsletter offers you some more information and first steps to take to help along the path of strengthening your sexual self- esteem, and enhancing your sexuality.

If you want to enhance your intimacy in your relationship and the relationship is fundamentally stable, communicating about sex and strengthening this important and vital aspect
of your relationship is essential.

To create sexual growth within yourself, or within a relationship, it’s important to be
curious, without judgement, about the ways to make this aspect of your life more meaningful.

Balance your Independence with Interdependence…
 
Think broadly and creatively, about how your sexual needs might best be met.
 
And…if you’re in a relationship, how might the sexual needs of your partner best be met: What can you do to ensure that your sexual relationship thrives?
 
Remember that if you’re in an intimate relationship, it is important to maintain a sense of your own identity, your own self, your own independence…creating a ‘gap’ between you and your partner can create an erotic drive.
 
But, also remember that the ‘gap’ you create must be done with a focus of enhancing your relationship…not out of fear or need for control.
 
Develop a realistic, but hopeful attitude
 
I’m not suggesting here, that you are always ‘positive’… being ‘always positive’ doesn’t necessarily work!
Instead, it means that you need to see the situation for the reality it is…BUT…also maintain some hope for your future…!
In their book, Enduring Desire: Your Guide to Lifelong Intimacy, authors Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy suggest what is referred to as a ‘Good Enough Sex Model’.

This is a common-sense, yet comprehensive approach to a healthy sexual relationship with intimacy as the ultimate focus.
In this way, sex is experienced as pleasure, stress relief, mature playfulness, and perhaps even as a
spiritual union.
 
The authors suggest 8 sexual growth guidelines for singles and couples:

1. Co-operating with your partner as an intimate team to provide a healthy climate for quality sex
2. Optimizing your comfort and confidence with sex
3. Feeling proud of your sexual self and sexual relationship
4. Understand your body’s need for relaxation to enhance pleasure
5. Balancing pleasure with sexual function 
6. Accepting that sexual desire and experiences are variable, flexible
7. Ensuring comfort and confidence by realizing that sex has multiple purposes and arousal styles
8. Affirming that sex can fit into and enhance your life with playfulness and special feelings

 
That’s it for now…join me in the third and final part of this series, when I’ll be talking about Intimacy…what it is, and why it’s important.

Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Counsellor 

Do you have a low sexual desire? Or perhaps difficulty with orgasm?
If you do, you’re not alone.

Our television soapies and glamourous Hollywood movies might like us to believe that sexual desire and orgasm are as easy and quick as looking into the eyes of that sexy man or woman…

… but while this certainly might help, the reality is that sexual issues such as low libido and difficulty to orgasm are very common in our society.

This becomes even more complicated if you have experienced vaginal pain, sexual trauma or having been diagnosed with an illness such as cancer.

Research tells us that sexual difficulties or concerns are very common in the general population:
An American national health and social life survey revealed that 43% of women experienced some form of sexual problem and just over 24% reported distress about their sexual difficulties.

The figures for Australia would be very similar.

Women were most likely to report distress about sex if they were experiencing poor personal or emotional wellbeing and a negative emotional relationship with their partner.

A loss of libido frequently results in a discrepancy in sexual desire between partners. This discrepancy then frequently results in frustration, and resentment and communication difficulties within relationships.
 
As a Clinical Sexologist and Therapist, desire discrepancy is one of the more common issues that couples come to see me about.

If you’re in a relationship where there is desire discrepancy, there must be a willingness of both the person experiencing the loss of libido, and that person’s partner, to communicate about the sexual issue.

They must each want to do something about the issue…

Sex can be a difficult subject for most couples to talk about, especially if they have never done so in the past…this silence can often be mistaken as a lack of interest and if left for a long period, it can result in feelings of rejection.

This is a very common story...and when feelings of being unwanted and resentment take hold, it may take months or even years before either partner has the courage to start the conversation...

BUT it is never too late!

In my next Newsletter, I’ll give you a few ideas of how to start this process.


Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Therapist 

To bring a greater awareness to this widespread medical problem, May has been designated “Pelvic Pain Awareness Month” by the International Pelvic Pain Society.

Pelvic Pain is often called ‘the silent epidemic’…  
​
It affects about 20% of women and about 8% of men at some time in their life. Information from the Australian Bureau of Statistics reveals that chronic Pelvic Pain is more common than asthma (about 14%) and back pain (10%).

But despite the number of people experiencing this often- debilitating illness, it’s a condition that’s rarely discussed.
And because most types of pelvic pain are not easily diagnosed with blood tests or scans, it’s easy for women and men with this problem to suffer pain for years before finding the help they need.
 
Some causes of chronic pelvic pain in women include:

• Endometriosis
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Musculoskeletal problem
• Pelvic congestion syndrome
• Chronic pelvic inflammatory disease
• Cancer and Cancer related treatments
• Ovarian remnant Fibroids
• Psychological factors

• Painful bladder syndrome (interstitial cystitis)

In men, pelvic pain can involve the bladder, bowel, pelvic muscles and the prostate, resulting in pelvic pain due to:

• Acute and chronic bacterial prostatitis
• Chronic pelvic pain syndrome
• Asymptomatic inflammatory prostatitis

 
How do you know if you have pelvic pain?
Well…as the old saying goes…if you have it you will know it! Those with pelvic pain may experience:

• Pain when sitting, often in the tailbone or coccyx, the bottom, pubic area or lower back
• Pressure or throbbing in the pelvis, rectum or genitals
• Burning pain in the scrotum, penis or crotch
• Bowel problems
• Bladder problems, such as the frequency, slow passage of urine, or bladder pain
• Sexual pain during intercourse or orgasm

 
Pelvic pain and Sex…these two just don’t go together.
If you have a pattern of pelvic pain, and you think about having sex, your mind will be pre-loaded with worry about pain.
 
The cycle of persistent pelvic pain associated with sexual
activity can result in what I call ‘Sexual anticipated anxiety’. We call this the ‘psycho-sexual’ aspect of pain:
Sexual activity with pain is of course, just not pleasurable; this creates worry, which leads to increased pain. This in turn, results in problems interfering with sex such as vaginal lubrication and elongation in women, and erectile dysfunction in men, and of course fewer erotic thoughts, all of which are important to enhance sexual pleasure

Without awareness and intervention, the ‘psycho-sexual’ aspect of pain is likely to lead to a worry-pain cycle or pattern, resulting in a negative attitude toward sex, and avoidant behaviours within relationships.
This may then lead to a decline in sexual self-esteem and mood, resulting in a ripple effect to the partner, further exacerbating the pain experience.
 
While chronic pelvic pain is unlikely to ‘go away’, there are ways to help you manage the impact of this in your life:
First, if you are experiencing pelvic pain I encourage you to consult your doctor to learn more about your pain and discuss possible treatments such as medication, or a referral to a physiotherapist.

A referral to a Clinical Sexologist might also be appropriate if you are experiencing associated sexual problems, while a referral to a Counsellor might be beneficial if you’re feeling anxious or depressed.
 
Keeping as active and healthy as you can, and involved in activities you enjoy, will also be of help.
And finally, although it might be challenging at times, it is important to try and maintain a positive outlook on life.
Visit the Pelvic Pain Foundation for further information: www.pelvicpain.org.au
 
Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Counsellor

Treatments for breast cancer, such as chemotherapy and endocrine therapies, reduce the circulation of oestrogen in the body which is important in managing some types of breast cancer.  However, this reduction of oestrogen can cause vaginal dryness, vaginal atrophy, vulvar discomfort, urinary changes such as frequency or increased risk of urinary tract infections, hair and skin changes, hot flushes and weight changes.  
​Having said this, it is very important to talk to your doctor or specialist breast nurse to ensure that nothing else is happening, because many medical conditions that affect the vulva may have nothing to do with the reduced circulation oestrogen. 

As such, it is important to have symptoms assessed before commencing any personal or over the counter treatments.

One of the more common changes is a medical condition called Vaginal atrophy, where the vaginal mucosa and tissue becomes thinner.  A physical examination and discussion with a health care profession would be ideal to look at the appropriateness of medical intervention.

Similarly, there may be ongoing pelvic pain or pain during sexual activity, (called Dyspareunia).  This can occur even with the use of personal lubricants and after having experimented with different positioning during sexual activity. 

In this case, a referral to a specialist physiotherapist can be beneficial for an assessment of the vaginal and pelvic floor muscles: it’s not uncommon for some women following chemotherapy and ongoing endocrine therapy, surgery to experience shortening of the vaginal wall (this is called Vaginal Stenosis).

​Let’s take a minute to talk about…personal lubricants.  

These can be of considerable assistance for some women who experience vaginal dryness.

Some that I recommend are Astroglyde, a water based lubricant for mild dryness, or Pjur, water and silicone based, for more lubrication during sexual activity. 

The use of KY jelly (or Vaseline type products) is not usually recommend as a personal lubricant as they tend to have a quick drying time and can result in increased discomfort.

Vaginal moisturisers such as Replens can also help with vaginal dryness.

Maintaining a healthy sexual self-esteem is important for your own wellbeing. 

While it can be confronting for many people to discuss sex or sexual activity with a potential stranger, such as a health care professionals,  we need to put this into perspective...

...we know that one of the most common side-effects of cancer treatments is the impact on sexuality and sexual activity... 

Remember that many women (and men) experience the changes in their sexuality after cancer, so it is important to know that you are not alone. 
 
If you’re in a relationship, remember also that it’s normal to experience the ebb and flow of sexuality and sexual activity related to desire and frequency of sexual activity and intimacy.

Dr Rosie King, an Australian Sex Therapist, talks about creating a willingness to be open to meeting each other’s needs sexual or otherwise.  This is important for the relationship to enhance a ‘new intimacy’ between partners. 
 
It’s also important for partners to be aware of, and be educated in the potential consequences of issues, including cancer and cancer treatment, that may impact negatively on sexuality.  This will help to redefine and create the motivation to look at new ways of enhancing emotional and physical intimacy. 
 
Most important is to take the pressure off...

This is especially so if you are still struggling with physical side effects of treatment.  Create a more playful way of communicating intimacy with your partner, such as a sensual massage, touch that is non-sexual, reconnecting over a meal, going for walks together or having a date night, with or without sex…to share time together.
 
If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me at inSync for life.  You might also like to have a chat to your health care professional, or the Specialist Breast Care Nurse in your area.  See our Links page for further information. 

Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Counsellor

 In part one of this Newsletter, I spoke about the importance of discussing sexual concerns after breast cancer, and gave an overview of some of these issues.

I want to continue this discussion in Part Two by acknowledging that if you have breast cancer and you are reading this, it  is significant in that you are taking personal responsibility and accepting a unique opportunity in working towards making ‘intelligent sexual and relationship decisions’.

Remember that positive motivation and understanding, promote wise choices…

Guilt, shame and anxiety about yourself or your past will act like an anchor in your life and weigh you down, and hold you back...they may lower your self-esteem, and negatively affect your relationship and sexuality.
 
I have had the pleasure of working with some amazingly courageous women who are managing their loss of ‘sexualness’ in relation to their own femininity, body image and sexual partner.

However, I know that for many or perhaps even most, this becomes a very challenging area of their life…

I encourage you to think about… and talk about... what your sexuality and intimacy needs are, for you and if you're in a relationship, for your partner and relationship... What is it that you would need to enhance your sexuality and intimacy......?

...as you do this, remember that we all have unique perceptions based on our own thoughts, memories, feelings, attitudes, values, learning and knowledge.  It's all of these things and more that have helped create who we are at this very moment...

These things and our perception of ourselves and our life doesn’t make things ‘right’ or ‘wrong’… Perhaps instead, it's better to think about how 'helpful' our thoughts and perceptions are...

sometimes our perceptions will be helpful to us…and sometimes unhelpful…

However, increasing awareness of our perceptions, beliefs and thoughts of ourselves will open us up to new learning, new possibilities, new ideas…

It's this 'new learning' that will help to enhance personal self-esteem, build confidence, enhance sexual self-esteem, and overall, create a healthy approach to sexual well-being.

Questions for self-reflection:
To help with your awareness and understanding of your own sexuality, take a few minutes to write down your thoughts about the following…

• What does ‘sexuality and ‘intimacy’ mean to me?

 

• How do I define the terms ‘sexuality’ & ‘intimacy’ in my personal world?

 

• How comfortable am I when discussing issues of intimacy & sexuality in my personal world?

 

• How might these factors influence the way I interact personally and sexually?

 

• What aspects of sexuality and intimacy would I like that I don't currently experience?

 

• If you're in a relationship, What could be different to enhance sexuality and intimacy in my intimate relationship?  and  What would my partner like different in this way?

​These are just a few of the many questions you might ask yourself, and perhaps your partner if in a relationship.  Remember to be gentle on yourself when answering...  if an answer doesn't happen quickly, that's ok...take your time, let the question sit for a while in your mind before coming back to it.

In Part 3, the final part in this series, I'll go over some ways to support you to develop and maintain a healthy sexuality.

Helena Green
Clinical Sexologist / Counsellor