Understanding Your Sexual Identity: A Journey of Self-Reflection and Empowerment

Sex and sexuality are topics that everyone has an opinion on, often influenced by things like our own personal history, the way we were brought up and our adult relationships. 

Our beliefs and behaviours are also influenced by the society we live in as well as what we can call consumer-driven ideas we are constantly bombarded with in the television shows and movies we watch, and from the social media we voraciously consume!

With so many different perspectives out there, it can be tricky for you to figure out you own personal values when it comes to your sexual identity. But it’s really important to develop a clear, personal understanding of your own sexual beliefs. This helps you feel more empowered and satisfied because your decisions will align with your own desires and needs.

A good first step in building your personal set of beliefs is to reflect inwardly. Recognising that sexuality is a natural part of being human – and nothing to be ashamed of – is key. Whether you choose to express your sexuality or not, it’s still important to own it. Take celibacy, for example. Some people choose to remain celibate but still acknowledge their sexual energy, which they can channel into other areas of their lives.  While most intimate relationships have both emotional and sexual aspects, some couples choose to remain ‘asexual’ and experience little or no sexual attraction but still engage in romantic relationships without the expectation or desire for sexual interaction​. These relationships are often built on other forms of intimacy and connection, demonstrating that sexual activity is not essential for relationship satisfaction for all couples.

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Another useful exercise to understanding and strengthening your sexual identity and beliefs, is writing a sexual autobiography, where you reflect on your past sexual experiences and feelings. This helps build self-awareness and gives you control over your own story. It’s important to look at the influences that shaped your current beliefs, especially those from childhood. Your sexual experiences as an adult are also important to consider. 

Remember, as adults, we get to decide which of those ideas we want to hold onto and which ones to let go of.  This can be a difficult concept to adopt because often we will want to ‘blame’ others for how we are.  But ultimately, it is up to each of us, as adults, whether we choose to continue to hold onto our old beliefs or adopt new, healthy ideas and beliefs that are more conducive to our sexual well-being.

And third, it’s also important to listen to your body to help strengthen our sexual health and well-being. Our physical and emotional responses often give us clues about what feels right or wrong, even before we’ve fully put it into words. If something doesn’t feel right, then listen to this.  Remember though, that this might also be an indicator of past hurt or emotional distress that you’re hanging on to.  If in doubt, listen, acknowledge and respect these feelings but then find a friendly supportive counsellor to explore this issue further. 

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And lastly, learning more about sexuality from trustworthy sources.  We might think that we know all about sex!  But of course, we don’t.  We only know … what we know!  Read more, explore, talk (to a knowledgeable professional), do your research of scientific knowledge – in psychology, we call this ‘evidenced-based information.  It ensures that your personal values are based on solid information, not just past inappropriate beliefs or societal stereotypes or generalisations.