Contempt: The Silent Killer of Love What it is, How to recognise it and How to Stop It

Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in intimate relationships, often signalling deeper issues that need attention.

Renowned relationship researcher Dr John Gottman identifies contempt as one of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ for relationships, alongside Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.  According to Gottman, contempt is the strongest predictor of relationship breakdowns, making it critical to understand and address

                                                           What Is Contempt?
At its core, contempt involves deep disrespect, disdain, or scorn toward another person. It arises when one partner feels superior to the other, expressing this belief through behaviours or words that devalue and belittle. Contempt can manifest as sarcasm, eye-rolling, sneering, mocking, or openly dismissive remarks. It often stems from unresolved anger, frustration, or resentment and can become a habitual way of interacting, eroding the emotional connection and trust in a relationship.

For example, a partner might say, “You’re so lazy. I don’t even know why I bother trying to help you” or roll their eyes when their partner expresses a concern. These actions convey a message of disdain and disregard, effectively placing one partner ‘above’ the other in the relational dynamic.

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Signs of Contempt in Relationships
Identifying contempt in a relationship is crucial. Signs to watch for include:

• Mocking or sarcasm: Making fun of a partner’s concerns or ideas.
• Dismissiveness: Ignoring or invalidating a partner’s feelings or opinions.
• Ridiculing behaviour: Rolling eyes, sneering, or mimicking the partner’s voice in a mocking tone
  

• Verbal attacks: Using harsh or demeaning language, or continually finding fault and focussing on the negatives. This gives your partner the message: “You never do anything right.”
• Belittling statements: Comments that convey superiority, such as “You’re so clueless” or “Anyone else would have handled that better.”
  

Spotting Contempt: Everyday Behaviours That Speak Volumes

Example 1: Ignoring During Conversation
Imagine a situation where one partner is excitedly sharing details about their day or a recent achievement, and the other partner glances up briefly, nods without real engagement, and immediately returns to looking at their phone or reading a magazine. This dismissive behaviour sends a clear message that the other person’s thoughts or experiences are not worth their full attention or interest, subtly conveying superiority and disregard. Over time, this lack of interest and acknowledgment can foster feelings of rejection and inferiority in the partner who is routinely ignored.

Example 2: Rolling Eyes or Walking Away During Conflict
In a disagreement, one partner might sigh loudly, roll their eyes, or even turn and walk away mid-conversation while the other is trying to express their viewpoint. This behaviour signals a refusal to engage with the other’s concerns, implying that their perspective is not worth hearing or addressing. By dismissing their partner’s thoughts by eye rolling, or by walking away, the contemptuous partner effectively conveys that they feel above listening or working through issues collaboratively, which can deeply erode trust and respect.

Example 3: Leaving a situation without Acknowledgement
In this scenario, one partner has taken the time to prepare a meal and set it on the table, expecting to sit together and talk about their day. The other partner enters, picks up their plate without acknowledging the gesture, and says, "I'm going to watch television," before walking off to eat alone. This behaviour is dismissive, and signals disdain and indifference to the effort and intention behind the meal, conveying that sitting together is unimportant. By choosing to separate himself from the shared experience, he dismisses the gesture and his partner, as insignificant, subtly and indirectly implying that his own preferences take priority over the relationship’s connection and intimacy

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Join us next time for more about Contempt in relationships.  How to address the contempt if it's you who shows it...how to protect yourself against contempt from a partner, and How to build a healthier relationship together!